🥝 Skyler J. Metrics, VP of Value Fabrication

VP of Sales | Deliverable Dynamo | Overcaffeinated Buzzword Generator

“If you’re not fabricating value, you’re leaving revenue on the table.”

📈 Career Summary

Skyler J. Metrics—known internally as “The Blitz Whisperer”—has redefined the art of sales performance theatrics. Barely into his mid-30s but already operating at **triple espresso velocity**, Skyler leads Bradical’s Value Fabrication Division™ with relentless optimism, dangerously aggressive whiteboarding, and a pocket full of branded USB sticks loaded with half-finished funnels.

Author of the **much-downloaded but never-read** ebook *“From Drip to Blitz”*, Skyler specializes in **metrics nobody understands**, **slides nobody questions**, and **energy nobody wants to match**.

🛠️ Career Timeline

• VP of Value Fabrication – Bradical Strategies™ (2019 – Present)
  • Launched the “Value Perception Amplification Funnel™” that doubled pipeline illusions overnight
  • Authored *“From Drip to Blitz: The Ultimate Conversion Fantasy”*
  • Redesigned the company’s sales deck **17 times in one quarter** without executive approval
• Director of Conversion Hype – OverQuota Corp™ (2015 – 2019)
  • Ran 173 webinars in 12 months, **each ending with a "limited-time offer" that never expired**
  • Introduced the “Hype Curve Metrics™” methodology (patent never filed)
  • Promoted to VP and immediately renamed the team “Team Blitzkrieg” (briefly HR-reviewed)
• Senior Pipeline Engineer – LeadStorm™ (2012 – 2015)
  • Developed the "Five Stages of Objection Handling™", none of which made sense
  • Held the company record for “Most Consecutive Mondays in Motivational Gear”
  • Left after burning out an entire sales floor with back-to-back blitz weeks

🧠 Thought Leadership

• 🟢 *From Drip to Blitz* – eBook nobody finished, but everyone downloaded
• 🟣 Speaker: “Sales Velocity in a Frictionless Market Illusion” – FunnelFest 2022
• 🔵 Guest on *The Bradcast™*: “Hustle Metrics: Measuring Energy You Can’t Prove”

📜 Education

• Master of Pipeline Fabrication – Hustle University, School of Unverified Sales Psychology
• Bachelor of Conversion Engineering – Minor in Personal Branding – Buzzword Institute

✨ Skills

• 🥝 Slide Deck Regeneration Under Pressure
• 📈 Unverified Metric Presentation Mastery
• ⚡ 2x Speed Motivational Speech Delivery
• 🎤 Cold Call Karaoke Champion, 2016
• 💥 Crisis-Level Whiteboard Energy Deployment

📌 LinkedIn Bio (If It Existed)

Fabricating value. Blitzing pipelines. Never slowing down. Ever. Let’s make something *happen*.