🍋 CLOO — Chief Legal Obfuscation Officer
Turning regulatory clarity into trademarked mystery since Q1. Proudly owns the phrase "Compliance is a vibe."
🍉 CRCO — Chief Risk Containment Officer
Expert in identifying, documenting, and quietly ignoring all operational risks while maintaining executive calm.
🍎 CDMO — Chief Data Mythology Officer
Specialist in transforming raw data into strategic folklore. Invented three proprietary metrics that don't actually exist.
🍐 CCRO — Chief Cultural Reassurance Officer
Master of fruit-themed morale initiatives. Believes deeply in alignment, trust falls, and performative vulnerability sessions.