The Bradical PEAR Weekend Retreat™
Three days of immersive alignment, emotional smoothies, and cross-functional chanting.
📆 Day 1: “Perception” — The Illusion of Control
3:00 PM – Arrival + Branded Lanyard Fitting
Welcome to the orchard. Choose your fruit identity badge. There will be judgment.
3:30 PM – Mandatory Welcome Smoothie + Consent Revocation Signing
Karen leads an HR-compliant opening ritual. Optional chanting. Smoothies by Skyler. May contain trace amounts of sincerity.
4:00 PM – “Know Thyself, Know Thy Fruit” Icebreaker™
A personality quiz nobody understands. Results immediately laminated and framed. Group hug discouraged.
5:00 PM – PEAR Framework Kickoff
Presented by Brad. Includes a dramatic reading of “Fatum tuum fructus est.” 92 slides. No escape.
6:00 PM – Outdoor Synergy Obstacle Course
Run, crawl, and pivot your way through team challenges inspired by actual client deliverables. No prize. Just resilience.
7:30 PM – Trust Fall Aperitifs + Charcuterie of Vulnerability™
Small bites. Large emotions. Someone will cry and it will be captured for the case study.
8:30 PM – Fireside Metrics with Clive
Whiskey. Budget talk. Eye contact not required.
10:00 PM – Unscheduled Emotional Processing Time
Sit with your thoughts. Or Janessa.
📆 Day 2: “Engagement” — We Pretend to Care Together
7:00 AM – Optional Sunrise Stretching (Compulsory)
Led by Helga von Protocol (projected hologram). Breathe in. Acknowledge compliance. Breathe out.
8:00 AM – Breakfast Buffet of Strategic Intent
Fruit-forward. Gluten-agnostic. Caffeine mandatory.
9:00 AM – The Brand Alignment Lab™
Craft your “personal fruit value statement” using scissors, glue, and existential dread.
10:30 AM – Empowerment Bingo
If you win, you get to leave early. Just kidding. You win a metaphor.
12:00 PM – Lunch + “No-Agenda” Networking Tables
Each table labeled with things like “Agility,” “Excellence,” and “Maybe We Should Quit.”
📆 Day 2: “Alignment” — We Pretend to Care Together (continued)
1:00 PM – Alignment™
We sit in a circle while Brad reads aloud from the PEAR Framework Whitepaper. Eye contact must be sustained. Chant “cross-functional” at varying tempos. Janessa will silently judge posture.
2:00 PM – The Great Reorg Simulation™
Live-action team reshuffling. Every 12 minutes. No explanations. No survivors.
3:00 PM – Breakout Breakdowns™
Share ideas. Or secrets. We’ll workshop both. Janessa moderates with a lemon.
5:00 PM – Cocktail Hour + Strategic Karaoke
Sing your deliverables. Literally. Backed by Skyler on synth.
7:00 PM – “Unplugged Alignment” Campfire Reflection Circle
What did we learn? Why are we here? Will this go on the invoice?
📆 Day 3: “Results” — Fruit Leaves. Impact Remains.
8:00 AM – Hangover Yoga (Pineapple Flow)
Not led. Just attempted.
9:00 AM – Coffee + “What Even Was That?” Recap Brunch
We pretend to make sense of the weekend while pretending to eat.
10:00 AM – Closing Ceremony + Certificate Distribution
Janessa hands you your Executive Fruit Certification with cold precision and one visible smirk.
11:00 AM – Forced Exit + Follow-up Survey You Will Never Complete
Please leave. Please. Seriously.